Healing in Layers — Part 2: The Psilocybin Journeys That Took Me Deeper

Before this year, mom guilt would always kick in anytime I even thought about doing something for myself. My whole life had been dedicated to my kids, homeschooling, marriage, cooking, cleaning, hospital stays, sports, therapies — all of it. I gave endlessly for years without ever stopping to give anything back to myself.

I’ve been slowly building The Do It For You Method™ for over a decade, and it’s only now that I understand why I couldn’t launch it — because I wasn’t living it. I was depleted, exhausted, depressed, and running on nothing. Pure survival mode.

I spent 365 days a year — 24/7 — with my kids. No wonder I was burning out.
Motherhood was never meant to look like this. Society expects women to work 30–50 hour weeks, raise kids, run a household, and still somehow be “balanced.” For stay-at-home moms, it’s worse — the job never ends and no one recognizes the emotional labour you’re drowning in.

After my stroke, I didn’t come back the same. Something inside me shifted. I started analyzing my life more deeply. And this year, everything boiled over. I started resenting my life — motherhood, homeschooling, work, people, everything. My nervous system was stuck in fight, flight, or freeze. Most days I don’t even know how I made it through.

My MDMA experience cracked something open. But psilocybin took me deeper.

This year became the year of surrender — to new things, new paths, new trust, and a new version of myself.

JOURNEY ONE — The First Psilocybin Ceremony (The Awakening)

A friend of mine was facilitating a small weekend retreat about 1.5 hours outside Edmonton. Off-grid. No electricity. Fully disconnected from the world.

I honestly shouldn’t have gone — it was right after Wild Rose Festival — but I worked my ass off, and something inside me whispered that I needed this for me.

I was one of the first to arrive. I didn’t know anyone except the facilitator. I set up my tent (yes, I chose the tent on purpose because I love camping) and spent the whole afternoon journaling, not knowing what to expect.

That evening, we did shamanic ceremonies to prepare for the next day.

Let me be clear: I don’t “do drugs.” This was all brand new for me. New. Scary. Unknown. But I trusted and I was ready to heal!

The next morning, she explained our options.
I chose a microdose:
• 500 mg Golden Teacher
• Ayahuasca soul vine drops (without DMT)
• Cacao

We gathered in the outdoor pavilion for ceremony — drumming, music and cleansing rituals. An hour went by and I felt nothing. Others were already deep in their journeys.

So I got up to take a short walk.

And BOOM.
It hit like a bat out of hell.

My vision shifted.
My body felt strange.
My face was numbing.
I felt nauseous.
I panicked — it felt like my stroke symptoms.

I sat back in the ceremonial space, trying to breathe through it. The facilitator sat with me and reassured me. She told me:

“You need to let go. Let your body purge.”

So I listened.

I went into the woods and cried. Sobbed. Released everything I had been carrying — fear, sadness, guilt, shame.

I purged physically — literally threw up several times — and then suddenly everything felt light.

So I walked. For hours. The trees were so bright. The forest was alive. Hundreds of dragonflies, butterflies, birds — everything glowing.

My interpretation?

I needed more nature, more slowness, more grounding. My nervous system needed to land somewhere softer.

I ended my ceremony in an outdoor cedar shower with warm water and a meditation poem on the wall. The water shimmered like gold (clearly still under the influence), and it felt like a cleansing of my whole being.

My understanding of Golden Teacher? It teaches what you can’t yet see… and opens what’s been blocked.

This first ceremony awakened something in me. Something ancient. Something true.

JOURNEY TWO — The Solo Psilocybin Ceremony (Answering the Universe)

A month later, the kids were away at burn camp and the house was quiet — unfamiliar and uncomfortable.

I felt called to journey again.
But this time, alone.

I asked the universe for a sign during my dog walk:
“If I’m meant to journey solo, show me mushrooms.”

Five steps later, there was one.
I said, “No, that’s not enough. Show me a LOT.”
Five minutes later — rows and rows. Around 50 mushrooms.

There was my answer.

My friend helped me again — this time giving me two microdose capsules equaling 1g, plus cacao. And like I said before:
I will only consume plant medicine in a ceremonial setting.

So I created my own.

I cleaned my apartment, set a sacred space near my altar, lit candles, opened my journal, put on my sacred music, pulled oracle cards, and blessed the medicine. I took one capsule, then felt called deeper and took the second.

I sat for two hours doing trataka — candle gazing — while Golden Teacher started showing me the things I’d been suppressing.

Resentment.
Motherhood exhaustion.
Loneliness.
The pressure of being everything for everyone.
The grief of losing myself in the process.

I cried for 30 minutes — deep, slow, cleansing tears.

And then the realization hit:

My kids don’t need more of me.
They need the version of me who is actually alive.
The mom who comes home from a weekend full of energy, spunk, laughter, and love.

Not the burnt-out version.
Not the resentful version.
Not the collapsing version.

This journey showed me clearly that the guilt I carried wasn’t truth — it was conditioning.

Then something even deeper surfaced:

I needed to step away from my marriage.
I had been giving my love and energy to someone who couldn’t love themselves or give back. And staying was suffocating my soul.

This solo journey changed the trajectory of my whole life in 4.5 hours.

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SAFETY NOTE

I am NOT telling anyone to do this alone. I had safety precautions in place: A friend on standby to ground me (which I used once) & my cousin checked in on me. I’m simply sharing my experience.

JOURNEY THREE— The Deepest Psilocybin Ceremony

About a month later, everything in my life was falling apart and coming together at the same time. I was separated. Nineteen years — almost half my life — ending. My whole world was shifting, and I didn’t know what anything was supposed to look like anymore. I had so much anger, resentment, grief, heaviness… and honestly, I was becoming depressed. Even though I knew walking away was the right thing, it didn’t make it easier. It fucking hurt.

I knew I needed a deeper clearing before going to Mexico to sit with Ayahuasca. My mind, my body, my heart — all of it felt clogged with everything I had been carrying, everything I had been avoiding, everything I had been trying to keep together for way too long.

So I booked another journey with the same woman who facilitated my MDMA ceremony.

This time, I couldn’t do it at home. My space didn’t feel stable enough. I didn’t feel stable enough. So I went to her house for the ceremony — and the moment I walked in, I felt safe. She had sage burning, a beautiful bed set up for me, fresh flowers on the altar, candles, blankets… the energy felt warm, grounded, and held. She has a presence about her that makes you feel like you can fall apart and she won’t flinch. I knew I was in the right place.

This time, the medicine was stronger — close to 3 grams of psilocybin in tea form, plus a small dose of MDMA to help soften the emotional intensity.

Just like every other time, I said my prayer, set my intentions, and trusted that the medicine would show me what I needed to heal or see. We pulled oracle cards, and then I put on the eye mask and headphones, and I was gone — dropped into the deepest layers of myself.

I journeyed for about 5.5 hours, and I had every fucking emotion you can imagine.

One minute I was snot-crying, releasing years of pain stored in my body.
The next, I felt like a wild woman in the jungle — like a plant medicine healer in another lifetime, remembering something ancient inside me.

Then the waves of sensation — energy moving, almost “climax-like,” clearing, opening, rewiring. Then grief again. Then peace.

I talked a lot. Sixteen pages of notes — that’s how much came through. I won’t share every detail here, but the overall theme was trauma releasing, over and over and over.

I came to terms with fully ending my marriage.
I forgave him for all the pain.
I forgave myself for all the shit I did too.
I cried for my kids — asking why they chose me as their mom — and I realized it was because I could handle their pain, guide them through their lives, and hold the love they needed.

But the biggest thing?

Ayahuasca showed up so many times in the journey.
Like a call.
A reminder.
A confirmation that I’m on the right path.
A reassurance that Mexico is where I need to be and that this work — plant medicine, healing, guiding — is part of my divine purpose.

I felt myself letting go of years of trauma, years of pain, years of despair — all in one sitting. Not magically erased, not like it never happened, but released enough that I could finally breathe again. Enough that I could see myself again.

Each journey I’ve had — MDMA, psilocybin, then the deeper psilocybin ceremony — all different, all intense, all beautiful in their own way. I’m not here to say a mushroom trip will save your life… but in my experience? It did. I’ve learned more about myself in the last six months than I have in thirty-nine years. I gained direction, clarity, hope, confidence. These plants helped me come back to life.

Now I’m giving myself permission to grow slowly, gently, intentionally. This work is deep. It’s personal. And I’m letting the medicine show me what I’m ready for — nothing more, nothing less. I’m choosing myself now, in a way I never have before. I’m becoming the woman my kids need — the one who is alive in her own life, not just surviving it. This year was my year to surrender… and next year, it’s my year to receive.

Healing in Layers — Part 3: Mama Ayahuasca & the Woman I’m Finally Becoming

Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional. This is my personal experience. I do not and will not advise anyone to use any medicines or substances. I’m simply sharing my own journey.